It has been months since my last episode, and all of a sudden I can’t manage my emotions again. I have a nasty sense of impending doom. I feel alone no matter what setting I am in and above all else I am angry all the time. Its actually exhausting. No nothing caused it, no there was some event that happened.
Sometimes there just isn’t, and that is what makes it so frustrating. I would LOVE to be able to tell my lady what happened, or my roommates but I can’t… Because I don’t know. All I DO know is I feel heavy again, like the weight of the world is on my shoulders again like I can’t surrender my day anymore. My faith is fleeting it seems, and my mind is cloudy.
One of the things people in my position struggling with is feeling like we might just be okay!! When life starts to go our way, when we can manage everyday life. When we feel glimpses or floods of true joy and happiness. When the thoughts and demons take a BREAK, we can make a judgment error that says “hey we made it!!” Unfortunately, that’s rarely the case.
All we want is to feel “normal” for a day, and when we do our homework, when we learn to ground ourselves, when we FIND the right medication to assist in our recovery… One good day can turn into two, sometimes three… Even a week or in my case a couple months… And when that all goes away we can see our whole system crumble helplessly around us.
This bit of writing isn’t meant to be for pity or anything. But for those of you who are struggling, or may have “relapsed” I understand your frustration and sadness. I can tell you that its not over! Even though currently in this moment… 1:02 pm I feel the lowest I’ve felt since March… Its not over.
Reach out! It doesn’t have to be to me. It can be to ANYONE you feel safe with. When I say anyone I mean ANYONE. Last week a lifting teammate of mine asked me a simple question about my lifting… And without thinking, I poured all my frustrations out. About how I’ve been so mad at myself being injured making it so I can’t compete, that I’ve taken a dark turn and had thoughts of hating and hurting myself more…. Before I really realized what I had done I sent it, and then immediately apologized to him for dumping it on him, he responded with
“Hey, don’t apologize. It’s always better to try to talk to someone. I appreciate you feeling able to open that up to me…”
People are innately good at smelling bullshit from a mile away. Call it instincts. Your gut feeling. Intuition. Whatever. So when you feel the need to let it all go, go with your first instinct. It could be random like mine was, or in your support network. Could be your gramma. Friend. Significant other. Teammate. Pastor. Your barber. Whomever! But holding in what needs to be released and handled is only making your suffering more unbearable.
From the bottom of my heart, I love you guys. Don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you have questions or concerns. Maybe you just need another voice in your corner. I am always here to assist, and help end this bullshit stigma around mental health and men’s mental health.
Grace and peace.