I have yet to write on this portion of my mental health journey, mostly because my heart or episode didn’t call me to. Apparently as I sit with my therapist… the time has come!
I have been (like so many others) trying to find other outlets and resources to continue making positive changes and healing. I have PLENTY of work to do on many different subject lines. SO I reach out to my therapist Jay, and he goes to work finding healthy and beneficial options for me to try. Things, groups, activities etc. that he himself trust and hopes will be good for me and my specific needs.
Part 1: The Royal Fucking Alex. A “solid” mental health hub in the 780. They have a group there designed for childhood trauma survivors, where they are SUPPOSED to teach people like me how to properly regulate/feel/express simple human emotions. “Perfect” I thought to myself as Jay told me about it! I told Avery about it and we were both excited that I was able to take another step in my healing process.
Fast forward to my Initial Assessment, a meeting with a psychiatrist to be evaluated and HELPED! In typical shrink fashion her first idea is to give me more meds even after I expressed working diligently to keep myself off as many chemicals as possible. Anywho… we agree that FOR NOW it’s a good idea until I can get in the group and learn those skills that were stolen from me at such a young age.
6 weeks go by, we have our follow up and I report that nothing has changed and in fact things got worse. The “doctor” TRIPLES my dose of anti-psych meds over night (which almost kills me, I’m talking hospital trip and everything) as well as telling me that I AM TOO ANGRY FOR A COURSE THAT IS DESINGED TO FUCKING HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME!! So not only did I have a lovely 3-day trip to emerg, but now the help I was so desperately waiting for… *POOF* is gone.
Part 2! I recover from the shock and frustration… the sickness and pain from Part 1. We move on to the next idea, which is another group from a more reliable and trusted source. I wait 2 weeks to have an initial assessment just to find out that there are no groups over the spring/summer. What in the actual fuck?!
Now… I may not be the brightest human on this earth but it sure seems to me like my depressions, my episodes, my night terrors, my PTSD, my suicidal thoughts… don’t take fucking breaks so why the FUCK would a place that wants to help… claims to help… are SUPPOSED TO FUCKING HELP, take any sort break or remove a substantial resource for such a huge period of time?! Why would a place that’s supposed to be safe, that’s there to help heal and dare I say save a life… turn people away who are on their last legs?
“Oh it’s the funding problem” “maybe they are understaffed” “maybe you ARE too angry” “there are other places” If any of those thoughts or comments crossed your mind… or you felt the need to add any other 1 liner playing “devils advocate” you can kindly fornicate yourself with a rusty rake, and chase it with salt and vinegar enema. As a centre for help and a literal building of hope, you have ZERO right to set bars for a population that can barely get out of bed most days. How dare you spoon feed polished turds to people. The audacity they show by giving us hope and snatching it away… you might as well carry a scythe and rock the black robe!
Now this rant has gone long and may sound like a pity party, but I am so fucking frustrated with the state of mental health and its resources. It’s not just about me, this is only MY story… and a small piece of it. This is in the last 6 months, not including the crap shoot a foundation did of helping me survive the years I put my abuser away. This is about the hundreds upon thousands of people who don’t have the support network I do. The people who are currently self medicating as I type this to numb the pain of rejection and fear. The people without a voice who are teetering on the brink of death because it seems SO much easier than feeling lost, alone and afraid.
People at the ends of their rope, shouldn’t be pushed off the chair. Not by loved ones, not by therapists, and especially not by companies and non profits who’s claim to fame is hope.