Today I would like to share about my depression from another point of view. My girlfriend. My companion. My support. My queen. My lifeline.
When I started this “venture” about sharing my story she gave her blessing and started to reassure me that it would be worth it. She told me to just let it happen. So I did. She tells me I am the strongest person she knows. That I can beat this. That I will win. I always say that I don’t believe the same thing, but what I don’t always say is that SHE is all that for me.
Lets take a step back for a second. Avery has been trying to support me through literally the darkest time of my life while still surviving her own battles, being a great mom, and keeping the house functioning. She is who Wonder Woman aspires to be. I am incredibly lucky to have her behind and beside me.
The man she loves, doesn’t want to be alive.
I wrote that sentence alone so you can re read it and digest it. I want it to percolate in your brain and in your heart. I want it to sink in with you. I want you to look at the person closest to you, and think about loving them through days when they do not want to live. NOW I want you to think about the other side. MY side. Where you don’t want to live anymore, BUT you can’t stand the thought of not seeing that persons face anymore.
Now, breathe.
This is our life right now. This incredible woman has to deal with THAT. We always see the people who are going through the hell, but we don’t always see the loved ones who have to try and make sense of it all in their own heads and hearts, while trying to keep us alive.
They have to deal with the confusion of “is it me?” “did I do something wrong?” “am I making it worse?” “did I cause this episode?” “what if he/she dies?” among a million other INTERNALIZED questions. They answer is so much more complex and complicated. So much so that we can’t usually answer it ourselves, and have a very hard time conveying that it has NOTHING to do with them, its all us and whatever trauma we went through.
Without our support people, we would not be here. They get little to no credit for keeping us here, or supporting us at all. So I want to thank Avery for being my support. For doing all that she does, even though she doesn’t see it. I want to thank her for being my rock and my strength when I cannot bring myself to the surface. I want to thank ALL the people supporting us. The people who question if they are really making a difference, because YES the fuck you are! Without you JUST being here near us, we wouldn’t still be drawing breath. You are all important, you are all needed, you are all doing exactly what we need you to! THANK YOU.