The question that resonates with me, deeeep in to my soul is “Why Me?” Now I can speak on this from the dark side, I’ll give you an example … Like why me?! Why did I get born into a family where the human designated to be called “father” stole my innocence from me? Why me, as in why was I the on who suffered for 10+ years in secret. Why me, why did no one know I was dead inside from the age of 5? Why did no one help me?! Fucking why me?!?!?!
*deep breath* see even writing that out I get worked up. If you could see me now, I am so angry that I am in tears and shaking (yes it’s okay! I will be okay; it will pass as I write more. This is what it takes sometimes to be real and vulnerable) but that’s not the “Why me” I actually want to talk about with you today.
This version is from the other side. This is when good shit happens, like people wanting to be involved in my life. (Time out, I want to make sure you know that when I say “I” I also mean “we” as in other people struggling because this happens to everyone) I have the HARDEST time when someone takes an interest in me with no regard for what I can do for them. It ALWAYS brings up the question, “why me?” Like I literally think so little of myself that I cannot comprehend or believe that someone can see the good I refused to see in myself, or that I was worth someone’s effort.
This is sooooo fuckin common among humans its actually scary. But more commonly among those of us facing depression, ptsd and other mental health conditions. Without failure, when I see someone in a movie ask another character “why me” i am INSTANTLY crying. (Don’t believe me? Ask my lady) I cry because I can physically feel the pain that they are feeling in that moment. Utter disbelief that anyone would care, disbelief that we might be worth someone’s time and effort.
This piece I am writing is (unfortunately) not about how to get past it. I am writing this for everyone that is close to, living with, loves, cares for, is worried about someone like me in their lives. Someone may have already asked you the question! Its not for pity, its not for attention its because WE DO NOT CONSIDER OURSELVES WORTHY! And just to add to the frustration… We have a hard time grasping that it MAY be possible for someone to truly see us as anything other than useless.
When you hear something enough… No matter how outrageous, disgusting, vile, rude, hateful… Eventually it becomes a part of your being, and ferociously hard to let go of. So be patient with us. Be strong for us. Stay true to the calling on yourselves, that you were put in our lives for GOOD. Yes its a hard and lonnng road, but remember you are trying to undo years of belittlement and self hatred. I can promise you that when we start to believe it for ourselves… That change you see will be worth every repeated word, repeated effort, repeated gift of love.
Why me?… Because I am fothermuckin worth it. Whether I see it now, or 5 years from now… I…WE…YOU ARE SO VERY FUCKIN WORTH IT.
Grace and Peace.