I talk a LOT about my story… But today I just had a seemingly “how did I miss that” revelation/moment while watching a TEDTalk sent to me by a good friend.
We all know I was abused for a lonnnnng time, and if you were to say that that was the cause of how I am now… You wouldn’t be wrong. In fact its what I’ve based my recovery off of since I chose to try to heal. I missed something about that though. Even though the abuse is completely real and gave way to this emotional state a question I never asked myself is “Why did the abuse have this affect on me?” And secondly “What is the underlying cause of my depression/self-hate/desire to die?” Or here… Let me combine the two into an easier to understand question.
“What is my heart missing, to cause my brain to react in such a negative and detrimental way?” I can honestly say I have never stopped to think about it. I mean… I think all the time about the lack of emotional stability, the fucked up “love map”, the innocence that was stolen…. Which could be viable but truthfully lazy answers. In the beginning of my recovery those answers were loud, true, and helpful. But now as I need to continue to grow, those answers no longer help me! Resting on them in fact is holding me back because I am holding on to something that isn’t real!
Stay with me for a moment. I lack things that give me as a human, validation and purpose. Let’s start with a big one. LOVE! Caaaaaaalllmmmm down, I have many people in my life who love me. That’s not what I’m driving at. I do not know how to receive love from people. The “love” I was shown… Wasn’t. My real understanding of love is wrapped up in an abusive mentality, coupled with physical love and a love ideology that I had to make up in my own head to survive! I do not lack love; I lack the ability to receive love. Which makes it harder than hard on my partner, my kids, and friends who try to show love in a healthy and positive manner.
If you struggle like I do, I want you to go grab a pen and paper…. Seriously go get one. I’ll wait. … … … HEY I SAID GO GET A PEN AND PIECE OF PAPER YOU ARE HOLDING EVERYONE ELSE UP! … … .. Thank you! Alright NOW, start writing down what makes you happy and content. Doesn’t matter of the list is 5 long or 50 long, just write em down…………. Now I want you to write down what makes you unhappy, what triggers your sad days, or angry days, what sets you off. Again it doesn’t matter how long the list is (but it will probably be longer than the other)
Put the happy list aside, and by aside I mean go pin it on your wall, write in on your vision board/mirror and remind yourself ever damn day of what brings you joy!!! Good! Now…. I want you to look at your negative list, and start labelling each point with whatever is “missing” to make you feel that way. Ill give an example.
Missing lifts – self worth/sense of pride
No money – feeling of stability/sense of growth
Crying baby – unconditional love / parenting skills
See what I’m getting at? Every trigger, every episode, every moment has something that is missing, rooted deep in our being. Until we find them, we cant understand them, if we cant understand them, we cannot heal.
Thanks for reading guys,
Grace and Peace.