Life with severe depression/suicidal tendencies! (This post may cause you to be triggered, or affected so please feel free to ask any questions, and DO NOT HESITATE to call me or your support network. This/these are meant to open conversation to stop that stigma. )
Today I was set off by something completely irrelevant to anything. Something insignificant. Something that normal processing humans wouldn’t think twice about. Now just like a fingerprint, everyone’s depression is different. Everyone reacts different. Everyone processes different. Medicates, goes to therapy, has episodes, has thoughts, has attempts different. The thing we have in common, is that we are all in a place of misunderstanding, or a complete LACK of understanding. Whether its wanting to understand why we are like this, what causes it(episodes), what caused it(depression), if we will survive, can we be helped, is it worth the fight, why us, among a million other things.
For me the why, is what drives me nuts more often than not. Why am I like this? Why does this keep happening? Why is this happening now? Why my girls? Why me? Why us? The truth? I don’t know. I don’t have any answers. I wish I did, maybe then I could figure some stuff out! Maybe I wouldn’t have such… Aggressive episodes.
What is an “aggressive episode”? I call them that (as I stated before) because its easier to be open about it. My episodes are different each time but they always put me in a hole. Suffocating. Drowning. Burning. Trapped. This episode included planning my “deserved” exit from this pain. This included watching an police officer do something wrong, and the voice in my head said “Point it out, cause a problem, make him shoot you.” Yea… Death by cop. Not a far cry from doable. We all know how…. Color-ignorant people can be, and at my size and skin tone… Wouldn’t be hard to get a “fear” response out of him.
NOW. Is any of that fair to anyone involved? The officer. My girls. My friends. People that are reading this in search of some answers. Nope. Does that matter? NOOOOOOOOOO. It doesn’t have to make sense! To literally anyone. Just you. Just the person who is in the episode, the crisis, the hole. We can work on fair later, once we survive these moments, however long they may be.
I can feel the tension in the social media air about what I just said. This is the mess that is my brain. I have no control over it. A feeling that TOO many others have. Helplessness. Which is why we can wind up in a place that has one decision to make… Before there are no more decisions left.
I do not write this to scare you, but to educate you. For the person or people in your life that are struggling. For you to understand or begin to understand what it is like to love and care for someone like me. These trials, are often not survived. But it is rarely a one-time deal. We go to that place repeatedly, and like a piece of ice floating in cold water, we slowly lose ourselves, we lose our defenses, we lose our center… Until we are put back in the freezer, or until we just lose. If you know anyone that is trying to stay solid, stay in one piece, I urge you to reach out with EMPATHY. Reach out with GRACE. Reach out with LOVE. And though its not always received… It is remembered. Do not give up on us. We are barely strong enough as it is. No one is EVER to far gone. No one is beyond helping. And NO ONE IS BEYOND BEING THE HELP.
Grace and Peace,
Ethan.