Today I am having a bad day. Set in motion by my ability to play music as often as I want. A motion that I caused a couple months ago. During this time of… Chaos, I have left a mess in my wake and it might cost me something I love dearly.
How do I know this? I DON’T! but that is where my brain has taken me. My depression is like being trapped in a box too small to stand up in but to narrow to lay down in. Its a place where the shadows move around me whispering or yelling things at me that I CANNOT un-hear but worse yet, that I cant shut out.
I am forced to absorb whatever is said and then it gets blown out of proportion. What do I mean by that? The text I got said that “I have to have a chat with the head of the department” that’s it. that’s all it took for my brain to start calling me names. Telling me I am useless. That “they”(the voices) told me so. That I would fuck up my path to being healthy. That I am worthless in the eyes of my peers. They tell me yet again that my life isn’t worth living because I am so broken.
I have no control over it. I have to fake emotions. Like happy or normal… Whatever. My kids don’t need to see that dad is not okay. I hate being around people that care about me when the darkness closes in, because the person that is fighting to get back to the light… Is a scary, brutal person. So I isolate myself. I stay alone. I try to keep everyone safe… Everyone except me. What happens to me in those moments doesn’t matter, what matters Is that no one gets hurt or has to see me go through it.
Is it safe? No. Is it logical? No. Is it healthy? Doubtful. But in those moments when we go through our episodes, it rarely does make sense to anyone. Even us. Its just what we know, and how we cope.
For some of us, we have had to fight so long to survive, that we forget or never learned how to live. I do not write this to scare you, but to educate you. For the person or people in your life that are struggling. For you to understand or begin to understand what it is like to love and care for someone like me. These trials, are often not survived. But it is rarely a one-time deal. We go to that place repeatedly, and like a a piece of ice floating in cold water, we slowly lose ourselves, we lose our defenses, we lose our center… Until we are put back in the freezer, or until we just lose. If you know anyone that is trying to stay solid, stay in one piece, I urge you to reach out with EMPATHY. Reach out with GRACE. Reach out with LOVE. And though its not always received… It is remembered. Do not give up on us. We are barely strong enough as it is. No one is EVER to far gone. No one!
I have been, as most other victims and survivors have been, quiet for too long. I want to break that stigma, ESPECIALLY for young men. Silence isn’t the answer, it does NOBODY any good. Some of us just aren’t ready to speak up, and that is okay. Those that are, I implore you to start speaking. To a friend, counselor, therapist, to your social media following, to your church community, to your sports team, to ANYONE who will listen. You are strong. You are brave. You have courage. You have a voice. You have a story that needs to be told. It’s time!