Depression looks like fear. Depression looks like uncertainty. Depression looks like questions. … … … But not for me.
I am a saved man, with a faith in God that I cannot always explain. God saw fit, to give this broken man 3 incredible girls who would look to him for an innumerable amount of things. But the most important is love.
Now that I’ve given some context lets go back to the beginning of this post. When I have my “episodes” (for those of you who can’t figure it out, and for full disclosure I mean my intense depressive episodes, my suicidal episodes) those 3 gifts, bear the brunt of it all. I get mad for no apparent reason, I cry a LOT now, I go silent, and eventually I go dark. Now the 2 little ones don’t get it. They get scared, sometimes they worry, but mostly they want to know what’s going on and I can barely put it into words for an adult to understand, let alone for a child. Its not fair to them at all! Do I know that? Holy shit yes I do, which makes the episodes worse because I hate myself more for being the way I am, which turns inward and pushes me closer to the suicide portion of the episode.
Now my big girl, my woman, my safe place, my angel…. She does her best to understand, which isn’t fair (in my eyes) that she even has to. But before she tries to understand she grounds herself, she calms her storm of fear and frustration, so that she can be present in mine. She willingly and wantingly steps into my disaster area like a single candle burning in an endless cave. When I finally see that light, my storm begins to wane….
Now again this is MY story, it may not be the same for you or who you are supporting in their darkness. But maybe you can relate to even ONE thing in this. I tell this portion of my story today to tell you that SOMEONE in your life is trying to walk with you. Someone wants to hold your hand, or pinky, maybe they are just the only friendly voice you hear amongst the howling demons clouding your mind.
I sit here now in tears, as my heart is torn apart because I cannot see the man that Avery loves, but she sees him, and she loves him the same. This depression takes a toll on everyone in your life, BUT IT DOES NOT MEAN THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE THERE. IT DOES NOT MEAN THEY WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU. Don’t push them away. See them as the incredible blessings they are. They are there to share your burden, not to condemn or judge, but to support and aid in your survival when you feel like you cant do it alone anymore.
If you are reading this now, and your heart is beating hard. Or tears are in your eyes. Maybe you are shaking. Maybe a name keeps popping up in your head. Reach out. Reach out to me. Reach out to them. End this stigma of fighting alone in the shadows. It doesn’t have to be that way. Not now. Not ever. You are loved. I love you. They love you. God loves you. Be blessed. You. Are not. Alone.
Grace and Peace.